Top Five Things You Must Believe In Order To Be Catholic

Top Five Things You Must Believe In Order To Be Catholic
Qualifiers- You can't not believe these things and call yourself Catholic;
Sequence- unranked;

* Real Presence- This one's kind of a slam dunk. It's been on the books for millennia. The denial of this doctrine is a pretty recent development in the big scheme of things.

* Immaculate Conception of Our Lady- This one's better attested than its official definition might suggest. The tradition of these goes back to antiquity. It only became official dogma in 1854 but this was borderline consensus for all or most of the Church's history. Not bad for a "latecomer"...

* Magisterium- Again, history speaks so clearly to this that it scarcely needs defending except to people who refuse to read what the Church Father's believed and taught. Apart from that, vast swaths of the New Testament make no sense unless the Church has authority over her members.

* Papacy- This one should be obvious but here it is anyway. Still, I distinguish the value of the papacy quite apart from the Magisterium because the Magisterium by itself isn't exclusively Catholic. At least not anymore. The Eastern Orthodox, for example, won't hesitate to proclaim the legitimacy of obeying [insert bishop here]'s authority.

But the papacy as an office exists apart from that. One of the Church's central dogmas is that the Holy Father is the Vicar of Christ. You either believe that or you don't. And if you don't, you're not Catholic.

* Sacraments- This almost didn't make the list but I decided that even though the Protestants believe in the value of marriage, baptism, communion and other things, their understanding of those things is so flawed and incomplete that they arguably have missed the entire point.

To tie it back to the Real Presence, if it is not the Body and Blood we consume in the Eucharist, how then is John 6 to be interpreted? Our Lord appears to be speaking in quite literal terms there. But the "literalists" seem only too eager to allegorize this and many other passages from sacred Scripture.

I truly don't understand the value of a strictly commemorative observance of communion. I didn't understand it even when I was a Southern Baptist and I understand it even less now.

As I say, you can believe these things and NOT call yourself Catholic. That'd put you in the company of a lot of Anglicans, actually. More than you might think. But you can't NOT believe these things and call yourself Catholic.

And yes, yes, yes, there are several other doctrines I could've included. But I didn't. Because this is MY list. If those items being excluded bothers you that much, make your own list.

Oh, something else. I thought about posting something similar for evangelicals but their lack of unity about anything and everything makes that pretty tricky. You can find evangelicals who disagree on fundamentals as obvious as the divine inspiration of the Bible so attempting to unravel the "evangelical position" on any number of doctrines considered the amount of diversity of belief tolerated in the evangelical world is an exercise in impossibility. So I shall not bother.

Top Five Annoying Church Terms

Topic- Top Five Churchy Terms/Jargon I'd Thank Our Lord To Never Hear Again

Qualifiers- I'm sick to crap of hearing them; I'm starting to think half of these are actually code for something else; These make me thankful to have left evangelicaldom behind;
Sequence- unranked;

* Christ-Follower. You're a Christian, you pretentious jerk! There's nothing wrong with saying so!

* Christian Courting/Courtship. Admittedly, I'm annoyed as much at the concept as I am sick of hearing the term. Nevertheless it sucks. Unless the father of the bride has a dowry ready, this idiotic word and practice both need to go. NOW!

* Testimony. I'm sorry, but is there something wrong with calling it "beginning of faith", "my origin", "my road to Damascus", "my meandering and almost offensively pointless story" or something else? ANYTHING else?

* Seeker/Seeking. I swear to think there was a time when such folks were called "undecideds" or "visitors". But when Rick Warren writes some idiotic book, the terminology has to change.

* Unity. Some idiot says "unity" but what I hear is "forget whatever you believe, let's do things *MY* way". Speaking only as a catechumen (as opposed to a confirmed Catholic), it's especially offensive to me when Protestants hurl this label at me. Yeah, because the Catholics are KNOWN for being divisive. Idiots...

-- The Epic List of Runners Up
* Stumbling block. In the Scriptural sense, this is a barrier to faith. John 6:53-58 caused some people to walk away from the faith. That was a stumbling block for them. If you're already a believer, something that simply "confuses" you isn't a "stumbling block". If you're confused, that's your cue to read your Bible or talk to your priest. But for crying out loud, don't call it a "stumbling block". Because it isn't. This didn't make the list because it's overused only by a minority. When EVERYONE starts using it incorrectly, I'll add it to the top five.

* Non-denominational. EVERYbody has a denomination; some merely lack the courage, conviction or IQ to realize it. But this isn't on the list because I only have five slots.

* Legalistic (and derivatives). Going any further into this would require breaking a confidence I promised to keep forever. Still, trust me, this word is *WAY* past its prime. But this hasn't been abused quite enough yet to warrant inclusion in the top five.

* Judgmental. St. Matthew 7 says not to judge hypocritically. It *NEVER* says not to judge. When your peers or your priest call you out on the carpet for acting a fool, damn right they're being "judgmental" and it's their job! This didn't make the list because the word itself is legit; it's the usage that's off-kilter. And by the way? There's only one "e" in "judgmental".

* Christian Spirituality. I don't know who dreamed up this pretentious idiocy. Donald Miller maybe? But it sounds like the beginning of either a cult or heresy. Maybe both. Wait, am I being judgmental here?

* Fellowship. Next time, just say "hang out with". It's what you meant and it's what you did. Just say so.

* Relevant. This one is Authentic's less attractive younger sister (which is really saying something). I taught a small group at a Southern Baptist church for about two years. By the end, I'd decided I would sell my house and join up with the Amish if just one more person said the word "relevant". Because, hey, even if the Amish use this idiotic word, at least it'd be in German! So that's something! So why isn't this one in the top five? Good question, actually...